Carrick sack as inevitable as Ole return in Man Utd’s entirely predictable season

Michael Carrick’s honeymoon period is over and the grim reality of having to manage a team that doesn’t have fresher legs than almost all their opposition is catching up with him.

The United board succumbed to peer pressure last season when they said they would absolutely not appoint Carrick on a permanent basis, only to do exactly that when he had better results than his predecessor by not playing Bruno Fernandes as a holding midfielder.

But it was never going to last. Carrick’s only previous permanent managerial role saw him sacked for failing to take Middlesbrough up so why would he now be able to compete at the very top end of the Premier League? That is what the United board should have asked themselves in the summer.

United have started this season with a single win in their first five games. Ruben Amorim is presumably telling anyone who would listen that he at least managed seven points in his first five last year.

And so we head into an elongated international break with the manager position at United again under question. I know he’s going to be sacked; you know he’s going to be sacked. But when? Well, allow us to plot it out for you in this prediction of Manchester United’s entirely predictable season.

Like the last meal on death row, Carrick’s final respite as United boss comes in the form of a visit from Tottenham Hotspur, the only club currently more embarrassing in England.

The match has been picked for the Saturday evening kick-off, presumably because Sky Sports know that regardless of what happens, we will be given traditional Saturday night comedy entertainment, but it is good news for Carrick as United should have enough to get past the sorry state that is Spurs.

Carrick is not a natural orator but he may use this 2-1 win as the sign of ‘momentum change’ or a ‘result to build on’. One of the many hundreds of United content creators may even say ‘our season starts now’.

Unfortunately for the Mark Golbridges of the world but fortunately for their bank balances, United then have an absolute doozy of three away games on the spin after that.

They start with the visit to Atletico Madrid and Diego Simeone, a man who took over the Madrid club when Carrick was still playing for United. This is an Atletico that just beat Real Madrid and gave Liverpool a good game when they met at Anfield earlier this month.

After a presumably chastening defeat in Madrid, United go to perhaps the second-last place their fans would want to go to right now: Elland Road.

This is a Leeds side that looks very, very good and one that will be keen to enact some pain on its rival. Another defeat there and United must face Cesc Fabregas’ impressive Como.

The hard fixtures just don’t stop either. Bournemouth at home is preceded by Chelsea away to close out October and surely, surely Carrick is sacked by then.

The United hierarchy will likely give him the boot after that Chelsea game, at which point it should be a very good time to be Eddie Howe, but this is INEOS and Manchester United we are talking about.

Rather than appoint a Premier League-proven manager who knows how to build a club, they go for the sexy name of Julian Nagelsmann.

We know what Howe is – he’s a good manager – but Nagelsmann has the sexy trait of the unknown. Howe won’t win ever win the Premier League but that’s the slightest possibility with Nagelsmann. And the slightest possibility is enough. Would he resist the urge? We think not.

United hire Nagelsmann, announcing him with a video shot of him on the Old Trafford pitch at night. Surprisingly, United do not have an automotive partner so maybe Sir Jim can ask Mercedes’s F1 team, another sporting project he part-owns, if he can borrow an engine. Tie into something about German efficiency.

Nagelsmann is presented to the world. He looks young, full of life. Like Barack Obama the day before he took office.

United start the Nagelsmann era by beating Roma, they make it two from two by beating Villa. They may well lose 4-0 away at Anfield but hey, that’s Liverpool and a one-off game should not be the death of a manager.

The fixtures running into Christmas are relatively kind and United pick up a healthy number of points. Nagelsmann will crack a joke that even though Germany has a festive break, he does not miss it if United keep winning. The press room laughs. The new year breaks and United are back. Rio Ferdinand tweets ‘Julian’s at the wheel!’

Then they get packed in by Brighton. Because they always do.

It’s an embarrassment. Nagelsmann has just been out-gegenpressed by Hurzeler. The Seagulls swarm over United like they had just dropped a bag of fresh chips. Losing to Liverpool is one thing but Brighton? Brighton??

Morale has taken a dent and then they lose at home to Newcastle, managed by another German compatriot of Nagelsmann. Villa, who have predictably found their feet, beat United the following week.

Then Bayern and Liverpool come to Old Trafford and take all three points.

We are into wheels-off territory and a 2-2 draw at Villarreal to sneak through into the Champions League knockout stages hardly settles the nerves. Brentford beat them as Nagelsmann pleads with the United board for some defensive reinforcement. They sign James Tarkowski on deadline day for £35m.

Chelsea beat them and then suddenly they have to play Brighton again. In the Champions League, they face PSG who have woken up from their half-season hibernation. It’s 6-0 over two legs.

United’s season slips into a familiar free fall. They lose in the FA Cup, probably to a Championship team, and a run of poor form has them dropping out of the European spots. By the time they head to Anfield in late March, United are three points off the final Champions League spot.

April arrives and even wins over two of the promoted sides do not lift the shadow cast over Old Trafford. A loss at home to Crystal Palace and Nagelsmann buckles. He criticises the board publicly, saying the signing of Tarkowski was not the signing of an ambitious club. United give him the boot, paying off his three-year £12m-a-season deal.

They call up Howe who says he’s not coming within a mile of that mess until the summer at the earliest. United get out the wheel of interim managers once again. Round and round and around it goes. It lands on Solskjaer.

Ole starts May with a win over a relegated Coventry. He gets nominated for manager of the month for putting together a run of four wins in five games. United fans say he’s changed, he knows what to do now. Ratcliffe cancels the contract with Howe.

United lose the opening game of next year to Middlesbrough 2-0. And so we begin again.