Dissecting every line of Cristiano Ronaldo’s 1897-word ramblings of a mad man

Cristiano Ronaldo has humbly stepped aside from the Portuguese national team, allowing the next generation to take centre stage.

What’s that? He’s done the exact opposite? Oh of course he has.

The eight-year-old in a 41-year-old’s body has released an 1897-word statement (our readers have had their say) recounting his version of events over the heinous act Jorge Jesus did of ummm, not bringing him on when Portugal were defending a 1-0 lead.

Let’s get into it…

Thanks Cristiano, I’ve not been able to sleep since you made that promise.

Presumably this letter demands each Portuguese person holds a week of mourning and prays to their government-mandated Ronaldo shrine…

He’s dropped Pedro Proenca right in it there, to be fair. There’s an ‘if I’m going down, you’re going down with me’ vibe.

This is not unreasonable, but Ronaldo probably gave his verdict like Commodus from Gladiator.

It’s a thumbs up for Jorge Jesus.

That last line really is crucial. The results are improving; Portugal won every game of this international break. Since dropping Ronaldo, they have scored at least two goals a game. But Ronaldo would rather be captain of a burning ship then one that sets sail without him.

Such a power move. Yes I will meet you, but only when I’m back from Ibiza.

This is proper Neil Warnock taking his teams to Cornwall for pre-season vibes.

Cristiano, we don’t know if you noticed but you did actually start the first game? You had more shots off target than on and were hooked after an hour. That may have slipped your mind.

That seems absolutely fair for a 41-year-old.

What Ronaldo doesn’t say is that his ego could not accept it. It is entirely reasonable to rotate players during this international break. Klopp brought 44 players FFS.

As I lowered the pistol from behind his head.

Gee, I wonder whose side he would be on. Would he pick his former employee or the one costing his club $19 million a month and has the temper of a pre-nap toddler?

I had a sniper trained on him the whole time, but won’t mention that part.

Et tu Bruno?

For a man who plans every minute of his day, this was the equivalent of us normies being told we would have to run a marathon this afternoon. Presumably he rushed to get in his pre-match nap tracked by his WHOOP before having a Huel.

Again, this all seems reasonable so far.

Hey Cristiano, when you were sitting on the bench, did you happen to notice this massive screen? There’s a couple of them in the Ullevaal Stadion so surely you would have spotted them? It’s that thing you are usually looking at to see if you are on it.

Well anyway, you may have noticed the Portugal badge had a big 1 next to it and the Norway badge had a 0. What that means is there is only one goal on it and we don’t know if you spotted, but the Norwegians have this Viking goalscoring machine up front.

So, if we use our brains, we can probably see that bringing on a 41-year-old who thinks tracking back is beneath him may not be the right choice for this scenario. It’s a bit like doing your driving theory test; should you brake or hit the young girl on the bike?

Amongst this apology, which is obviously done for PR reasons and not because Ronaldo is sorry, there is a wonderfully egotistical sentiment.

“I apologize to anyone who, though not Portuguese, may have traveled to see me.” Even when he’s apologising, Ronaldo reckons everyone in that ground turned up to see him. Chef’s kiss.

Have you noticed that he has yet to actually call the Coach by his name?

“Cristiano you’re too old and don’t defend.”

“I know you are but what am I?”

Here is where it starts to go off the rails.

Yes, my captors are treating me well.

After presumably hours and hours, we suspect Jorge Jesus would have accepted anything just to get Ronaldo out of the room.

“He’s f**king nuts right?”

“We know Jorge but it’s easier to work with him than against him. He has 679 million followers on Instagram and we have kits to sell.”

Ronaldo knows he’s a player and not the president, right?

Cristiano, you may not have noticed but Jorge Jesus is the manager so it’s very much his way or the highway.

“Might” Cristiano, it’s right there.

Anyone else you’re missing from that list Cristiano, that you definitely wrote? No? Okay.

This line is nuts, isn’t it? It’s full Homelander.

This is what happens when you have sycophants surrounding you every day. Does Ronaldo not have any mates from before he was famous to say “Cristiano, that sounds mental”?

Presumably they have all been left in Madeira in favour of people who say “yes Cristiano, dying your hair blond when you are in your 40s is a great thing to do”.

Sorry? “I want him a lot?” The f**k is this? The notes inside a teenager’s diary?

Would Jorge Jesus have to read this word for word and if he got anything wrong, go back and start again? Presumably, Ronaldo had him writing it out 100 times like Bart at the start of The Simpsons.

He probably realised that it sounded ridiculous, Ronaldo, and completely undermined his position.

Only if it’s your version of the truth though right Cristiano?

Probably because they are well aware that you would not accept that. You’d deploy your army of minions to attack the Portuguese hierarchy. Your sister would post on Instagram, as would your wife.

“As if it were today.” Cristiano, it was only last week, mate.

Ronaldo, do you remember the Euro 2016 final when you took it upon yourself to manage the team from the sidelines? Would you consider that to be interfering with the tactical decision of the coach?

To be honest, they are probably relieved they get to take free-kicks again.

Oh yes, because causing a circus by throwing a public strop is way better. Could you not have rung up your old captain Roy Keane and asked how his Saipan experience played out? You might even get a movie.

“I am not just any player.” And there we have it.

Ronaldo there, trying to make you feel sympathy for him but reminding that he once was a human.

Actually you can’t promise that Ronaldo because believe it or not, you don’t actually control the future of the Portuguese National team.

Take that Manchester United.

What a sickening end to a sorry display of egotistical ramblings. Me, me, me. Hopefully that suspension is life.

Excuse us, we’re just off to vomit into the nearest bin.